Gone Coastal

Monday, January 19, 2009


I had a couple of posts rattling around in my head that had absolutely nothing to do with postpartum disorders. A change of pace. Probably much needed, as I read through my last two posts earlier today, and they were basically both rambling on over the same stuff. Good evidence that I have indeed been kinda hazy.
But here I am again, my thoughts dominated by how PPD has affected me, and where I'm at in this journey. Those other posts will wait (how many months have they been on the far back burner already?)
The weekend was interesting. Not theoretical lecture on social engineering interesting, or what so-and-so said to such-and-such interesting. I mean roller coaster interesting.
It seems the fog lifted a little this weekend. I found myself feeling things much more than I have in a long while. Laughing at my seven-month-old son giggling at discovering his sense of balance on his feet. Catching little games my two-year-old plays. I even felt more for my dogs.
My dogs. My poor dogs. Before kids, I was the dog lady. In K-town we had a big fenced yard. They got walked at least once a day, played with, run on the bike, taken to work, taken 4X4ing up to the hills. They went where we went. My mom even affectionately called them her four-legged grandchildren. The last few months, they've been lucky to get a decent walk a week. And with the issues we have with one neighbour, we can't even leave them in our much smaller yard for any length of time to play. I did my best to look after them, but it was rather mechanical. I see that pretty clearly now. But Friday night, it wasn't Eli that got me up, it was Diesel. His ear was infected and driving him nuts, and his headshaking, with corresponding collar jingling and ear flapping, was driving us nuts. I dug around the basement for the ear cleansing solution and did what I could to clean him up. Oh, he was so happy. And even at four in the morning, it felt kinda good to make him happy, and not feel like I was doing everything I could to give them a totally inadequate life. They've had a few more spontaneous head rubs since, too.
It was a similar sort of awakening with the kids. A subtle shift, or maybe not so subtle, from doing what I thought I was supposed to do, or what I should enjoy, to what felt right. Not a complete turnaround, but I was definitely more alive.
The slightly frightening other side to this bed I woke up in held the feelings of fear, of hurt, despair and, most frightening to me, anger. They, too, had been muffled, distant and a bit detached, like a dream. They, too, were a little more real now. Hence the roller coaster, and the certainty that I'm not coming off the meds anytime soon, nor would I be remotely ready to be with the kids full time.
I don't know what lies around the bend. If there's another climb to the next big drop, or loops or spins or something crazy and unexpected. I'm hardly a coaster aficionado, but in the classic coasters of my youth, the biggest falls were at the start, and after doing their best to scare the pants off you, they slowly back off the throttle to smaller hills and bumps. A few surprises late in the ride to keep you guessing 'til you're back in the gate. Maybe I'm past the biggest drops. Maybe there's lots to come. Maybe it's just the three or four days of solid sunshine that's behind this little lift - the lull between turns where you get a look at some scenery.
Whatever it is, I'll take it. I've had a taste of the joy of motherhood again. I've started to enjoy music again. (I realized at some point that I had hardly sung at all for Eli, whereas after Trin's birth I'd sung more than I had in years, even some days through tears. I remember wanting to sing for Eli, but I couldn't find my voice - I couldn't think of anything, even silly songs, that would come out. This really hit home at a church Christmas dinner. It was a good night, and when someone led in some carols, I was singing along with Eli on my arm, and looked down to see wonder in his little eyes. He'd never in six months heard me really sing.)
And if it's God's grace in timing, giving me a little clarity in my head when I'll need it for work, I'll definitely take it. I know that He's there, too, when reality is frightening. And that His amazing grace knows no end.

Maybe, just maybe, by the next post I'll have gotten the camera out and taken some fresh pics for you all.


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