Gone Coastal

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Good night

Well, once again, I really ought to be heading to bed. I've got meetings tomorrow, including an intro to a new project I'll be joining. I should be heading for bed as early as I can.
But I'm feeling pretty good tonight, and that's a good reason to share.

The last week or so has been kinda hazy. I'm not much liking being back at work. I've only had about a half load of project work, and I still struggle to put in a full day's work. A couple of days have been near total write-offs: I just couldn't get my head into the game, let alone keep it focused there. Fortunately, with the new year I have some vacation time again that I can throw to those days.
The Bear is full swing into his new job, working lots of overtime, evenings and weekends, so we're both pretty tired.
Last week when I took Eli in for his shots, the nurse gave me the postpartum screening questionnaire again, and I got a score of 14 - high enough to get her attention. I wasn't exactly surprised, but it was still a bit of a wake up call. I expect within a week, I'll have full time demands at work with the new project. I needed to be realistic about where I was at. I've been feeling the tension building, and I've definitely been more down. And more sensitive to little things.
Little things like a growing sense that my toddler doesn't always like me so much. Honestly, at a bad moment, the words in my head are a little stronger than that, but it's a good moment. That whole mother daughter dynamic is heating up so early. I see it when her whole demeanor shifts from testing and defying me at home, to smiling and charming everyone at daycare. And back again at day's end.
Today didn't start off any different. But somewhere over the course of the evening, the surface grit began to soften. She didn't argue when i asked if she needed to go pee, and came and got me when she eventually needed the bathroom. (A little late, but she's been doing awesome at daycare, so it felt good just to rate the effort.) But I think it was really a little string of precious mama moments, just for me, that warmed me up. Going up the stairs to help her retrieve her baby (doll) from the new doll bed she got and finding her baby 'tucked in' under the mattress. Helping her wrap the baby up when it was time for bed. Being able to offer her a bowl of fruit for dessert after putting Eli to bed, no strings or agenda, because she quite happily ate a very good portion of her supper. Catching one of her little sentences and watching the look of relief and excitement when she hears that I understood what she said.
So, I've got a smile on my face. And with a lot of stuff on my mind, and some pretty scary trials in the lives of some close friends this week, that's refreshing. I know that with the increasing workload coming down the pipeline, and what I've seen and felt in myself lately, I'm vulnerable. This week I decided to try and work my schedule to leave time to make it to a postpartum support group. I called up the health unit to get the details and register. I've put it in my work calendar for the next five weeks, and we'll see how it goes.
Meanwhile, I should sleep well tonight, so long as Eli doesn't start working on tooth number seven tonight. Sweet dreams.


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