Gone Coastal

Saturday, June 30, 2007

The next big thing

For me that is. It's been an occasional topic of conversation for months. It's been the subject of some anticipation, some fear and an increasing level of busyness lately. It's only four weeks away.
It's my return to working life.

I was midway through the bottle routine last night - just done washing and not yet started filling - when I felt the need to stop, sit down and pray. Normally such urges come with a specific person in mind, maybe a known situation or a vague sense of need. Tonight I had already sat down before I realized I didn't know what I was to pray for. A number of people have been on my heart in passing today, so I thought, "Okay, Lord. I'll just spend some time on those and follow your lead." I felt pretty sure that a significant focal point would come out of that.
I was a few stops down the list before I caught that still small voice. (Not an audible voice, just a sense for me.) Something to the effect of, "That's all well and good, but what about you?"
"Huh? Well, I guess I should pray about all this stuff coming up." I did. Or I tried to. It was like having a severe case of writer's block in the middle of a conversation. Later, when the bottles were done, I started this post, but set it aside when I realized I still hadn't made it past the surface in prayer. What could I honestly write to finish it?
The last big thing was the arrival of Tweetie. And even before she was conceived, I was coming time and again to God, saying, "I need you to be with me on this. I can't do it on my own." The image of my pregnant figure folded on my knees with arms outstretched (a mental image that accompanied the right attitude at least - most of my prayers were done in comfy chairs) is burned into my mind.
I came back to prayer this morning, having showered early, and awaiting Tweetie's wake up. After considerable fumbling, I think I've finally started to get the point. I've been working pretty hard at getting all my ducks lined up, preparing myself and Tweetie for the transition, and generally working to improve my odds as I set forth to do this on my own. Perhaps I've taken the wrong lesson from my little girl?
So, I'm praying again. Lord, let me see this transition through your eyes. Let me be guided by you in the choices and preparations I'm making. I am so grateful for the time I've had to spend with my daughter, your gift, and for all the growth you've brought us through. I thank you again for all the grace you have poured out on me and my family in this season, and I pray that you would keep me from guarding my heart against your continued outpouring as I return to work. Draw me to you when I need help to find balance. Draw me to you for wisdom in parenting. Draw me to you for strength to stand apart in the workplace. Keep me mindful of the other plans you have for me, and of new doors opening.
A song, Someday by Over the Rhine comes to mind. The second verse and chorus:
and if you need my attention
be bizarre
feel free to ignore convention
(it's alright)
and if it's a matter of permission
you can do me harm
i wouldn't miss it for the world

i'll pray
don't leave me alone

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